As many of you may recall, my cousin Smooth came to Pittsburgh last weekend to visit and celebrate his twenty-first birthday. Smooth is the eldest son of Neilbert's youngest brother, Robert, and so lives and works in Neilbert's hometown of Salamanca, NY.

Smooth and the City

While Smooth, by all means, took advantage of the opportunities for getting drunk in Salamanca following his Monday birthday, he found himself craving something more... be it big city glamour, fast-paced living, or even just a wider variety of places to get drunk. And so Smooth arrived last Thursday looking for post-21 fun in the big city (well, big-ish city).

Smooth arrived, as is the fashion among men in Neilbert's family, at 11:15 am on Thursday, having left at eight o'clock in the morning (at least we know he wasn't hung-over from Wednesday). After a leisurely afternoon with Saundra at the Highland Park Pool, Smooth and I headed down to catch the bus into Oakland for our dinner date with Mad Mex happy hour at 4:30. We happened to catch the 500 and consequently also happened to run into Sabrina, who was on her way in from Shadyside to join us for the planned evening of drunken revels.

Me and Smooth at Mad Mex

It was a rainy Pittsburgh afternoon, and we made our way down Atwood street in the drizzle, and at the end of it Sabrina proclaimed that she felt even more deserving of a half-price margarita. She put in her order for a Big Azz traditional lime, I got a 12 oz. frozen lime, and Smooth got a 16 oz. frozen strawberry margarita. A mere five sips in, Smooth ordered a Miller Lite. I was disappointed, to say the least, and in large part because the strawberry is my least favorite Mad Mex margarita, but I took one for the team and poured the remainder of Smooth's drink in with the remainder of my lime marg in the hopes of tarting it up. I've written recently on Mad Mex food, and we experienced no anomalous circumstances in our meals that day—suffice to say it was delicious as usual. In addition to the lime margarita, and the bastard strawberry lime margarita I created from the dregs of mine and Smooth's drinks, I also managed to fit in a small frozen kiwi margarita before leaving near the end of happy hour. Also toward the end of our time at Mad Mex, Sabrina and I convinced Smooth to live a bit on the wild side and get a Dos Equis Amber Lager instead of yet another Miller Lite. He drank it and we counted that a victory.

Sabrina and Smooth at Hemingway's

We left Mad Mex just after 6:00 and trekked back up Atwood Street and across Forbes to Hemingway's. It was pretty quiet—summer session and all—but we were shocked not to see a dollar draft special on the front placard. Hemingway's always has a dollar draft special! Never fear, Sabrina asked after the special inside and found that there was indeed a dollar draft for the drinking—none other than Miller Lite. Sabrina and Smooth anted up their dollars for Miller Lites, but I coughed up the extra fifty cents for Hemingway's bottled beer special, $1.50 Coronas. After taking the time to sip and contemplate, we decided our best bet was to go next to the South Side. We deemed it a good route for providing Smooth with some non-Miller Lite drinking experiences—experiences that clearly weren't going to happen at Hemingway's. That, and Smooth was thinking he might want to add to his slowly growing tattoo collection, and there's no better place than South Side for finding reputable tattoo parlors. We hiked up to Fifth Avenue and ran for the 54C, which we luckily caught in the nick of time. Upon arriving on Carson street, we got out at the South Side library and went across the street to the nearest tattoo parlor. After a consultation with the folks at the parlor, Smooth discovered that the tattoo he wanted would have cost nearly twice as much in South Side as he would have paid in Salamanca, so we gave up on Smooth's big city tattoo dreams and set off down the street in search of interesting drink specials.

Smooth and Sabrina in the South Side

We did not go terribly far before stumbling upon Margaritaville, whose outside placard proclaimed $3 you-call-its from seven to nine. We stopped in to ask for clarification. Indeed, the special meant, truly, any cocktail with any booze, no matter how top-shelf, for only $3. A perfect opportunity for Smooth to try something new. For our first round, I got a glass of 1800 tequila, on the rocks; Sabrina got a Black Label on the rocks; Smooth had no clue. We mined Smooth's memory, hoping for clues as to what sort of cocktail he might enjoy. When he mentioned that he'd had SoCo and lime Monday night, we suggested that he might want to revisit the drink—it may not have been new, but at least it wasn't Miller Lite. Alas, Smooth took one sip and made a face. It had been SoCo lime shots he'd had on Monday, not SoCo lime on the rocks.

Smooth getting carded at Margaritaville

Apparently, Smooth prefers any drink if it's jetting down his throat at break-neck pace. Sabrina and I were not giving up. We devised a strategy for our next round: we would order two of our favorite drinks with top-notch booze, Smooth could have a taste of them both and whichever he liked best, he could order. I got a Black Russian with Starbucks coffee liqueur and Grey Goose vodka. Ah, I had missed Black Russians. The Starbucks liqueur boasted a more coffee bean flavor than traditional Kahlua—either way, nothing to complain about. Sabrina ordered a Maker's Mark Manhattan, and ended up having to tutor the bartender on how to make a Manhattan. Smooth tried each, hated them both. After finishing my Black Russian and taking pity on Smooth's orphaned SoCo Lime, I was pretty damned drunk; Sabrina would have been too, but she can hold her liquor better.

Smooth, on the other hand, was hardly buzzed.

Primanti's, a bleary perspective

He was hungry, though, and Sabrina volunteered to eat with him while I kept to my diet. We wandered down the street and into the South Side Primanti Brothers—Sabrina deemed it an essential component for Smooth's Pittsburgh experience. After sitting down to the table, I proceeded to take cascades of bleary, drunken pictures with my digital camera while Sabrina had a serious sit-down talk with Smooth. She explained to him that Miller Lite is all well and good when one is looking to drink for cheap or unsure of what local brews to order... but Smooth was in Pittsburgh, now, and there was absolutely no conscionable reason he shouldn't be drinking IC Light instead. And so, Smooth ordered his first IC Light and was converted!

Smooth, drinking his first IC Light

After Sabrina and Smooth finished their sammiches (they ought not to be called anything else in the Primanti's context), and I nearly lost Saundra's umbrella in the ladies' room (Sabrina rescued it), we set off once again into the South Side in search of good drink specials. Or at least, cheap booze, and so our most logical next move was Dee's Café. To our great disappointment, Dee's was closed for their annual two week vacation, and so we ended up across the street at 1311, a new and untested South Side bar. It even had a drink special... lo and behold, it was Miller Lite. I abstained, once again, as Sabrina and Smooth had their beers. Around this time Sabrina had a burst of inspiration and decided to call her fella, Ted (who wasn't out drinking with us because he was home recovering from a Wednesday night hangover), in the hopes he might be convinced to come pick us up in South Side and, as we say in Pittsburgh, "ride" us home. Ted apparently agreed, but the journey into South Side would take him awhile, yet, certainly longer than Sabrina's and Smooth's current round, so I suggested we move on after they finished their beers.

Smooth, outside Dee's in bewilderment at its being closed

We stopped first at Jack's to inquire about their drink specials. Surprise, surprise, it was Miller Lite! Then, we crossed the street and encountered our first promising drink special since Margaritaville—the placard at Rumshakers told of $2 shots, and so we went in. Rumshakers itself was a little dead, but they have a DJ and dance floor even on the driest of drinking days (I had been there once before on a Sunday, so I can attest). I held out hope for some dancing, while Sabrina and Smooth glared at me skeptically. We asked the bartendress for clarification on the $2 shots special, and she said it was on nearly anything. I then asked what was the most top-shelf vodka I could get for $2, and it turned out to be Stoli. I don't remember what Sabrina and Smooth ordered, booze-wise (alcohol fiddles with short term memory retention, you realize), but Smooth did walk away with a free "Big 21" Rumshakers t-shirt in honor of his big day, and Sabrina ordered a glass of water in effort to sober up, and allowed me to steal some ice so to convert my shot into a Stoli on the rocks.

Smooth and his T-shirt at Rumshakers

Ted soon arrived and in his vast sobriety drove us home. I was surprised at the mildness of my headache the next day, but a few moments after getting up, I realized that my hangover simply ran deeper than the ordinary headache variety. I hadn't been awake an hour when I told Saundra, "I think I need a nap." We forewent swimming that day—swimming buddy Sabrina conceded after a few text messages proclaiming her post drinking status as: "Oog!" We went grocery-shopping for our planned Saturday BBQ, and then returned back to Saundra and Neilbert's for naps. At 4:30 we were up again and headed out to dinner at my favorite local haunt, The Parlour, where we met up with our cousin, Tom, son of Neilbert's next younger brother, Jimbert. Tom's wife, Liz, also joined us for dinner. In effort to take advantage of The Parlour's happy hour special of $1.50 domestic bottles, I suggested that Smooth try a Yuengling—the quintessential Pittsburgh college student beer.

Smooth drinking IC Light and Tom drinking Smooth's Yuengling

It is something of a tradition, after all. My cousin Jennifer (sister of Tom; daughter of Jimbert) had a dollar Yuengling at Hemingway's a few years back when she came to Pittsburgh for her 21st birthday; I never even drank beer before one fateful afternoon with my Bulgarian class and a case of Yuengling... Smooth, however, was not impressed, and after about five sips, ordered an IC Light and pawned his Yuengling off on Tom. Smooth and Tom ordered giant burgers, Saundra got a chicken salad, I got the grilled portabella sandwich with gorgonzola and Liz went for the nachos sans fixin's. While waiting for our meals, we decided to start a game of pool, seeing as that pool is free during happy hour at The Parlour. It was me and Smooth vs. Tom and Liz, and we were all so terrible that it got to the point where I was praying for somebody... anybody to sink the eight ball so we could go eat. After one interminable game, we sat down to yet another—no surprise—delicious Parlour dinner.

Me, Smooth, Tom and Liz, playing pool

After the Parlour, we parted ways with Tom and Liz, and took Saundra back to her house before setting off for another evening of Pittsburgh nightlife. This time, our destination was Station Square and after the previous night's hangover, I was relieved to be designated driver. We strolled through the Station Square shops awhile, and then down along the river at twilight to look at the Pittsburgh skyline, but our ultimate destination was Matrix nightclub; we had passes for free admittance before 11 pm, thanks to the promotions readily available through the club's Myspace page. When it comes to "scenes" in Pittsburgh, you can't get much more mainstream than Matrix—but in a city the size of Pittsburgh, mainstream has distinct advantages. My nightclub experiences in Pittsburgh have been plagued by two consistent problems: not enough people and not enough good music. By "good" music I mean, of course, dance-worthy music. Dance-worthy music can be the pop-iest and most derivative radio-whore kind of songs, but if I know it and can dance to it, I'm happy. There's nothing like endless, unrecognizable techno or obscure 80's to ruin a night of dancing. Well, a sparsely populated dance floor also does the job of ruining a night out—my recent night at Altar stands as a prime example.

Matrix solves both of these problems in one fell swoop. Located in a warehouse-like club complex on the parking-lot side of Station Square, Matrix offers club-goers four different rooms, each with its own décor and music line-up. The first is a lounge-type room with leather, tapestries and beaded lamps. The great tragedy of this room is that they play Latin and salsa music but have no dance floor. It's strictly a lounge.

Smooth, in the Latin lounge

I suppose you'll have this in Pittsburgh—you need a place to put the big game up on a big screen, depending on the time of year. When there isn't a big game, the big screen in Matrix's Latin lounge showcase old black & white burlesque shows, and as the evening wears on, hired dancers in tube tops and sparkly undies gyrate on the bar for leg-garter tips. If anyone knows how I might apply for such a job, do tell. I beg of you.

The other three rooms at Matrix are fully club-sized, each with a large dance floor and at least two bars. The hip-hop/Top 40 room is art deco-ish with lattice and white leather booths; the 80's room is wood-paneled and has an almost ski-lodge atmosphere; the fourth room, black and chrome with cyclone fence accents, is for techno, and offers an oxygen bar in addition to two booze bars. Since Matrix is so large, it predictably draws a huge crowd, and since they have four different rooms with four different kinds of music, you can just move to the next room if the music in one is getting on your nerves. The hip-hop room is usually the best place to start off the evening because it fills up the quickest. And so, when the 50 cent drink promotion started at 10 pm, we found a table up by the larger bar behind the DJ station. Smooth initially got a Bud Light, because they were on special, too, but after he polished off that beer, I convinced him to try a rum and coke. Success!

The dance floor in Matrix's hip-hop room

The first non-beer drink I got Smooth interested in all weekend! Then one of the cocktail waitresses came around offering fruity neon shots in test-tube shot glasses. I advised Smooth to get the "Pussy Kiss," not because it would be any better than the other choices, but because it sounded naughty and would make for a better story to tell his friends. Despite my general cocktail know-how, I didn't even know what it was, so I asked the waitress and it turns out to be coconut rum, peach schnapps and pineapple juice. Unlike well-drinks, the shots turned out to be $3, which I found not-at-all unexpected, but it caught Smooth initially by surprise, as he had been expecting to pay 50 cents, like all the other drinks. Ah, Smooth, yet another education in booze politics. At this point in the evening, I was getting a little concerned, and certainly not for Smooth's lack of sobriety. You must understand, I love to dance. I dance drunk, I dance sober. I dance wherever dancing is feasible and I dance like I'm in a Madonna video, even without a single dose of the sauce. But Smooth was resistant, vowing not to dance at all the whole evening. Now, this is where my shy side sneaks out—without at least one friend on the dance floor, especially at a big club like Matrix, it just seems a little sad.

Me and Lauren, dancing on the bar

My fears, as it turns out, were for naught. Who'd have guessed, it only takes a couple drinks for Smooth to overcome his shyness? When the test-tube shot waitress came around again, Smooth was at her side in the blink of an eye, but not at our table... he crossed paths with the cocktail waitress at the table beside us—a table full of early twenty-something girls. After cocking an eyebrow and blinking a few times, I realized what was happening. Smooth was flirting with the ladies! Turns out, "Smooth" is not an ironic nickname. After a few moments, I was motioned over and introduced, and all of the sudden, it wasn't just me and Smooth anymore, but me, Smooth and a group of ladies—a happy turn of events both for me and for Smooth. It should be obvious why this eventuality brightened Smooth's evening, but now I had folks to dance with, whether Smooth's big toe grazed the dance floor or not. And so, after the gals had plastered themselves with several 50 cent drinks—Smooth had a few himself—I coaxed them all out on the dance floor. Within five songs I was dancing on the bar with Lauren, one of our newfound friends. It should be noted that "dancing on the bar" in this context is not quite so revel-some as it sounds; in the hip-hop room at Matrix there is a long counter behind the DJ station lined with bar stools and overlooking the dance floor. Drinks aren't actually served there, and the DJ's actively encourage patrons to climb up and shake their booties. And so, Matrix was not a bust, but rather Smooth's rockin'est night in Pittsburgh. Too bad Sabrina is opposed to dance clubs, or else it would have been the best of both nights—then again, her rapier wit would be lost in the deafening blare of club music.

Sabrina and Ted at the Smooth BBQ

Our Saturday night was more low-keyed, as Smooth was planning to get up early Sunday so to leave for Salamanca at 8 o'clock. We had a BBQ at Saundra and Neilbert's house, including a wealth of vegan goodies for the newly meat- and dairy-free Sabrina. As per Saundra's instructions to "bring some young people" to the BBQ, Sabrina had Ted accompany her. There was vegan bean dip (see below), salsa con queso, picnic-y salads, baked beans, vegan rigatoni (see below), burgers, hot dogs, not-burgers and not-dogs. I may not be a vegetarian anymore, but I sure love a not-dog on the grill, though Neilbert has an irrational aversion to not-dogs and only made half a pack so I didn't get to have seconds. For drinking there were vodka drinks, including gimlets (see blow) and vodka cranberry, and for the beer fans there was Augustiner. Smooth was a little miffed because there was no light beer, but Neilbert managed to find some Labatt's in the cellar fridge—apparently Canadian beer is as good as light beer in Smooth's book.

Smooth and Neilbert

It was a fairly early evening, but we had one last drinking hurrah with Smooth when Neilbert drove me back to my apartment and we stopped for drinks at the Guyasuta Lounge. I had my Guyasuta usual, $2 Jim Beam, and Neilbert and Smooth got Molson drafts. Despite having a sparse crowd, the Guyasuta had a particularly loud DJ, and we could barely hear ourselves think. We only stayed for one round, though Neilbert did buy Smooth a shot of Firewater (my recommendation), and we counted it as uncle-nephew bonding.

And with that, Smooth returned to Salamanca three days older and fifty drinks wiser.


For more pictures of Smooth's Pittsburgh weekend, check out my Photo Album of Smooth's 21st on Facebook.


Vegan Bean Dip

2 cans of black beans
onions, diced fresh or frozen, to taste (I recommend lots)
corn oil
1 small can of tomato paste
chili powder and/or cayenne pepper (chili powder is milder, cayenne is hotter)
cumin
garlic powder
cilantro

In a large non-stick skillet, sauté the onions in the corn oil until tender. Add the 2 cans of black beans, including liquid, and simmer. As the beans simmer, stir in the tomato paste and spices (all to taste). Simmer together, stirring occasionally, until a noticeable amount of liquid has evaporated. Squish beans with a potato masher until they resemble bean dips you've known and loved. Continue to simmer, stirring occasionally, until much of the liquid has been absorbed and the beans aren't runny anymore. Again, think of bean dips you've known and loved.


Vegan rigatoni

1/2 box of whole wheat rigatoni
1 jar of marinara sauce (I like Classico Cabernet Marinara)
onions, diced fresh or frozen
garlic, minced
olive oil
1 package of vegan ground meat. My favorites are Morningstar or Boca.

Preheat oven to 350. In a large skillet, sauté the onions, garlic and fake meat in oil. While sautéing, prepare the pasta according to package directions, except decrease the boiling time by three (3) minutes. In a large saucepan, warm the marinara sauce, and when the onions in the fake meat mixture are tender, mix the fake meat mixture in with the marinara sauce. After draining the pasta, combine it with the marinara mixture and then spread it into a shallow baking dish large enough to accommodate (9 x 13 should work okay). Bake uncovered at 350 for at least 20 minutes. The point of the baking is to get the rigatonis on top a little crunchy. Ovens vary, so try higher temperature or longer baking times to get your desired results.


Vodka Gimlet

2 1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. Rose's lime juice; or 1/4 oz. lime juice and 1/4 oz. simple syrup*
twist of lime, for garnish

Shake the liquid ingredients over ice in a cocktail shaker. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a twist of lime.

* simple syrup is an easy way to make the equivalent of Rose's lime or sour mix at home. Simple syrup is basically equal parts water and sugar, cooked at a rolling boil for about five minutes. Equal parts simple syrup and lime juice gives you homemade Rose's lime; equal parts simple syrup and lemon juice gives you homemade sours mix. Keeping simple syrup and unsweetened lime juice separately on hand has the added benefit of being able to offer your guests a gimlet with unsweetened lime juice alone, a tart but no-sugar, low-carb alternative.