Register | Log in | FAQ | Search | Memberlist | Usergroups
Profile | Log in to check your private messages | Blogs |

ARWZ Forum Index
    > Writers' Zone


 
Post new topicReply to topic
View previous topic :: View next topic
Author Message
Violanthe
Webmaster


Joined: 24 Jul 2003
Posts: 5902

PostWhen the thesaurus fails me...

Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:30 pm
Reply with quote

Okay, so I got to a point in my writing today where I want to describe a character who has gone through a major (and, we find out later, magical) transformation. As part of the description, I came up with this sentence:

"His dark hair was loose, and vibrant like the feathers of a raven."

First problem... this is an instance of a male character being described by another male character. I can just hear my dear ex-boyfriend (who was also a fantasy fan and fiction writer) saying: "I didn't know that your viewpoint character was gay." In other words, I feel like there's something about this sentence that sounds too romantic to be the thought of one straight male character about another. However, I want to emphasize that there has been a major transformation. I'm thinking maybe I could replace "vibrant" with something more neutrally descriptive, something more clinical, that would get the same information across without verging too close to romance novel territory.

Second, the word "feathers" is also a bit too feminine for the voice of this character. I tried looking it up in a thesaurus, but the only entry was for its meaning of "type" or "kind." Any suggestions for other words to use in its place?
_________________
Violet "Violanthe" Kane
[email protected]
ARWZ.com: A Magazine of Alternative Reality Fiction
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
David Thomas Lord
Visiting Author


Joined: 05 Jul 2006
Posts: 172

Post

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:54 am
Reply with quote

First, I didn't know raven's feathers vibrated. I've learned something.

Perhaps you might try for a different, more masculine image than a bird's feathers. Why not use the imagery of a helicopter's blades? They actually are vibrant, as well as elusive. You can see them but they aren't actually in all those places at once; it's an illusion. That might help with the magical aspect.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Richard H. Fay
Senior Member


Joined: 07 Sep 2007
Posts: 523
Location: Upstate New York

Post

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:27 pm
Reply with quote

I don't really see a problem with using a raven. I don't think of ravens as particularly feminine. And then there is so much folkloric background to using a raven. And a raven is still a bird, so it's covered in feathers.

You could use plumage, but that may be worse, not better.

Maybe something like: "his dark hair hung wildly like the plumage of a maddened raven" (very rough suggestion)
_________________
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!"

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
https://azurelionproductions.com
See cool stuff featuring my art at the Abandoned Towers Zazzle Store:
https://www.zazzle.com/abandonedtowers
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
Shadow_Ferret
Active Member


Joined: 03 Apr 2006
Posts: 318
Location: Milwaukee, WI

Post

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:46 pm
Reply with quote

Well, in response to ravens not being particularly feminine, there is the term "raven haired beauty."

Maybe change it to something less poetic, like a crow or grackle.

"His dark hair shone like the black plummage of crow eating road kill."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
DougGogerty
Moderator


Joined: 29 Mar 2006
Posts: 418
Location: Minnesota

Post

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:51 pm
Reply with quote

You want to indicate some sort of change in this individual. Why not do a before and after.

"His once curly blond hair was now straight and black as coal."
"He went from normal to fab-u-lous!" -- wait you wanted LESS gay!

As a guy, I would probably note the change. He was like this, and now he is like that.
_________________
Douglas E. Gogerty
-----
Around the Campfire
"No, I'm from Iowa. I just work in outer space."
-James T. Kirk
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
Violanthe
Webmaster


Joined: 24 Jul 2003
Posts: 5902

Post

Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 3:58 pm
Reply with quote

David Thomas Lord wrote:
First, I didn't know raven's feathers vibrated. I've learned something.


But that is not the only meaning of "vibrant". In fact, upon looking it up on Dictionary.com, all the definitions in which "vibrant" is used to describe a color have nothing to do with the act of vibrating (since, after all, colors don't usually vibrate either):

Quote:

6. exciting; stimulating; lively: vibrant colors; a vibrant performance.

4. Relatively high on the scale of brightness: a vibrant hue.

3. of colors that are bright and striking



It is the color I am seeking to describe here, that his hair, though dark, has a vibrancy to its color, similar to the vibrant black of a raven.
_________________
Violet "Violanthe" Kane
[email protected]
ARWZ.com: A Magazine of Alternative Reality Fiction
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
Richard H. Fay
Senior Member


Joined: 07 Sep 2007
Posts: 523
Location: Upstate New York

Post

Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:48 pm
Reply with quote

Personally, I wouldn't use that definition of vibrant to describe a raven's feathers, or something of that hue. Ravens are black, not really what you would call a vibrant or bright colour. I think you might be looking for something to describe intensity rather than brightness. Lustrous might work (although that might sound too "fey" in the circumstances you've described), deep maybe, glossy perhaps (could have the same problem as lustrous).

"Jet-black" might work, although it's a bit repetitive. Jet can mean a compact, velvet-black coal that takes a good polish, or an intense black. "Jet-black" means basically black as jet.

It may provide the intensity you are looking for.
_________________
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!"

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
https://azurelionproductions.com
See cool stuff featuring my art at the Abandoned Towers Zazzle Store:
https://www.zazzle.com/abandonedtowers
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
Violanthe
Webmaster


Joined: 24 Jul 2003
Posts: 5902

Post

Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:15 pm
Reply with quote

"Lustrous" was my first instinct, but that just sounds way too romancy, so I wanted to go for something a little less so.
_________________
Violet "Violanthe" Kane
[email protected]
ARWZ.com: A Magazine of Alternative Reality Fiction
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
Gordon Long
Regular Member


Joined: 31 Oct 2007
Posts: 203
Location: Vancouver, Canada

PostWhen the Thesaurus Fails me

Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:42 am
Reply with quote

Dear Vi,

You're hassling the wrong end of the sentence. The vibrancy of the colour of a raven is a great image, The problem is "His dark hair was..." The use of "dark" is one of those poorly-used adjectives we talked about in another forum, and "was" is deadly. You need an active verb, and forget the dark, because it's redundant.

"His hair flew loose, vibrant as the feathers of a raven." I'm sure you can do better than "flew", but you get the idea.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Violanthe
Webmaster


Joined: 24 Jul 2003
Posts: 5902

Post

Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:08 pm
Reply with quote

That does make a lot of sense. Getting ride of "dark" will go a long way toward fixing that sentence I think.
_________________
Violet "Violanthe" Kane
[email protected]
ARWZ.com: A Magazine of Alternative Reality Fiction
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Blog
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum





Alternative Reality Web Zine: ISSN# 1559-3037


All materials on these pages (including fiction, poetry, essays, articles, interviews and opinion pieces) are copyrighted to the original authors and may not be reproduced without permission.




View Page Stats
ARWZ topic RSS feed 


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group