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Violanthe · Webmaster Joined: 24 Jul 2003 Posts: 5902

Okay, so I got to a point in my writing today where I want to describe a character who has gone through a major (and, we find out later, magical) transformation. As part of the description, I came up with this sentence:

"His dark hair was loose, and vibrant like the feathers of a raven."

First problem... this is an instance of a male character being described by another male character. I can just hear my dear ex-boyfriend (who was also a fantasy fan and fiction writer) saying: "I didn't know that your viewpoint character was gay." In other words, I feel like there's something about this sentence that sounds too romantic to be the thought of one straight male character about another. However, I want to emphasize that there has been a major transformation. I'm thinking maybe I could replace "vibrant" with something more neutrally descriptive, something more clinical, that would get the same information across without verging too close to romance novel territory.

Second, the word "feathers" is also a bit too feminine for the voice of this character. I tried looking it up in a thesaurus, but the only entry was for its meaning of "type" or "kind." Any suggestions for other words to use in its place?
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David Thomas Lord · Visiting Author Joined: 05 Jul 2006 Posts: 172

First, I didn't know raven's feathers vibrated. I've learned something.

Perhaps you might try for a different, more masculine image than a bird's feathers. Why not use the imagery of a helicopter's blades? They actually are vibrant, as well as elusive. You can see them but they aren't actually in all those places at once; it's an illusion. That might help with the magical aspect.

Richard H. Fay · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:27 pm

I don't really see a problem with using a raven. I don't think of ravens as particularly feminine. And then there is so much folkloric background to using a raven. And a raven is still a bird, so it's covered in feathers.

You could use plumage, but that may be worse, not better.

Maybe something like: "his dark hair hung wildly like the plumage of a maddened raven" (very rough suggestion)
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Shadow_Ferret · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:46 pm

Well, in response to ravens not being particularly feminine, there is the term "raven haired beauty."

Maybe change it to something less poetic, like a crow or grackle.

"His dark hair shone like the black plummage of crow eating road kill."

DougGogerty · Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:51 pm

You want to indicate some sort of change in this individual. Why not do a before and after.

"His once curly blond hair was now straight and black as coal."
"He went from normal to fab-u-lous!" -- wait you wanted LESS gay!

As a guy, I would probably note the change. He was like this, and now he is like that.
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Violanthe · Webmaster Joined: 24 Jul 2003 Posts: 5902

Richard H. Fay · Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:48 pm

Personally, I wouldn't use that definition of vibrant to describe a raven's feathers, or something of that hue. Ravens are black, not really what you would call a vibrant or bright colour. I think you might be looking for something to describe intensity rather than brightness. Lustrous might work (although that might sound too "fey" in the circumstances you've described), deep maybe, glossy perhaps (could have the same problem as lustrous).

"Jet-black" might work, although it's a bit repetitive. Jet can mean a compact, velvet-black coal that takes a good polish, or an intense black. "Jet-black" means basically black as jet.

It may provide the intensity you are looking for.
_________________
"I'm going to do what the warriors of old did. I'm going to recite poetry!"

Richard H. Fay - Azure Lion Productions
https://azurelionproductions.com
See cool stuff featuring my art at the Abandoned Towers Zazzle Store:
https://www.zazzle.com/abandonedtowers

Violanthe · Webmaster Joined: 24 Jul 2003 Posts: 5902

"Lustrous" was my first instinct, but that just sounds way too romancy, so I wanted to go for something a little less so.
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Gordon Long · **When the Thesaurus Fails me** Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:42 am

Dear Vi,

You're hassling the wrong end of the sentence. The vibrancy of the colour of a raven is a great image, The problem is "His dark hair was..." The use of "dark" is one of those poorly-used adjectives we talked about in another forum, and "was" is deadly. You need an active verb, and forget the dark, because it's redundant.

"His hair flew loose, vibrant as the feathers of a raven." I'm sure you can do better than "flew", but you get the idea.

Violanthe · Webmaster Joined: 24 Jul 2003 Posts: 5902

That does make a lot of sense. Getting ride of "dark" will go a long way toward fixing that sentence I think.
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